Note: The following is something i wrote long back when i wanted to explore story writing as a means of expression.
Palio saw his reflection in the mirror. Somehow he was looking at a stranger. In a shiny flowing robe with heavy chains round his neck he was the perfect showman. He had been born for this Usdo used to say. Some people can make a difference to your life, but there are very few who make your life. Palio was who he was because of Usdo.
In his nomadic days with the gypsies, Usdo had adopted Palio, after his dad died in a ‘freak’ accident, as the civilized put it. Well he didn’t see how it was ‘freak’ to fall from the high wire onto the ground fifty feet below when you were totally stoned. But after this Usdo was everything to him. Usdo made him his protégée and taught him everything he knew. Palio was eager to learn and it wasn’t too long before he bettered his mentor. But he was too quite to be a gypsy was the opinion in the camp and some even spoke to him in sign language to prod if he was mute. That never used to bother him because the shell he wore was out of choice. He believed nothing could penetrate his shell. So he ran from the Gypsies on his fifteenth birthday with Usdo’s blessings. “Make your own sky to fly. Your own peaks to scale” he had said.
“Palio!! Are u even listening to me??” demanded a voice that brought him out of his reverie. “Off to your thoughts again? Start living in reality dear!” Amanda. He gave her a second of attention despite the fact that she just hurt his male ego. He wasn’t a sexist but still he preferred not to be told how to live his life even by his wife. “Too bad today will be the last performance in this city” she mumbled. “Yes it is” Palio replied in a non committal dreamy tone.
It was love at first sight. Or so she said. After he joined the Big Circus, he still took pride in his shell. He never spoke unless essential and it was essential for him to find an ‘assistant’ so he can earn more. He felt it was comical that they were called that. Amanda walked in through the tent, a slender tall lasse, answering to the ad in paper. Just the sight of her made him lose his tongue or whatever was left of it. He’d never seen someone as beautiful and it scared him. He remembered trying to explain her work without making eye contact, for the fear he might forget. He somehow felt her glance all over him. ‘Am I looking alright?’, ‘Maybe I should have worn my suit’, ‘Has she left?’ such thoughts kept cropping up amidst his palpitations. When he raised his eyes to meet hers she was smiling at him. She explained she had done this before and so she knew this all and he managed a ‘oh’ wishing for the earth to open and swallow him. They held the eye contact without uttering a word but still conversing a million thoughts and in a week they got married and he relaxed his shell a bit. He even allowed himself an occasional laugh and spoke words that weren’t essential! To him that was an achievement. The next five years he slowly moved from the fill-in to the star attraction and Amanda was there by him, for him, with him. The tours took them across many a cities and villages and watered by the alienity of the towns their love brought them closer and rooted on faith and belief.
His thoughts suffocated him and he felt the need for a smoke. He lit his cigar and walked towards his ‘tools’. They always made him feel confident. They smiled at him and he always felt they longed for his touch. A feeling that comes from years of bonding. He had refused to get new ones because he felt it would be betrayal to abandon his faithful tools. He even had names for each and his favourite was Seda- Usdo’s first knife. He ran his hands over them and felt their sharp edges coming to life on his touch. To him they meant more than his means of bread. His friends. His talisman for the love he had for Amanda. The proof of the trust she had on him.
When he started out with juggling the knives at the circus, he was disappointed. Usdo had prepared him for more. He could sever the fruit from the tree and cut it to four before it could even strike the ground! He could hit a bulls eye on a moving truck immaterial of the speed. His knives never failed him. And he never failed them. He had needed an ‘assistant’ who would trust him and do as he said to awe the audience, to become the showman he wanted to become. But in times when you can’t even trust your shadow this was next to impossible till Amanda came. She trusted him completely, a trust that could only come from blind love. He could hit the bulls-eye blindfold while she moved rhythmically with his target. She could make graceful movements while he threw the knives outlining her on the piece of wood! Such was the trust and understanding between the three – Him, Amanda and the knives. When on the move he preferred to caress his knives, talking to them like they were his kids, while Amanda slept. Kids – They tried in earnest. Somehow they were not blessed. He didn’t seem to care but was aware of his wife’s anxiety. She was ten years older than him and had the nature’s deadlines to worry about. He had tried to be understanding but somehow he ended up getting frustrated. He cared. But he was helpless.
As a drop of tear began to blur his vision he wiped his eyes and went to the tent and peeked out towards the audience. There he was. Seated in his usual first row was Nathan Lamborgi. Palio despised everything about him
It had been the second show in this particular town. An entire school had come to the circus as part of their school trip. Children have been the perfect audience. They were always ready to be enthralled. To be awed. To be entertained. Unfortunately it was too much for Amanda. She was distracted all through the performance and during the blindfold act a knife had scraped her leg. Palio heard the sound of horror that was different from the usual awe. Amanda did her best not to react but the pain showed. Once back in the dressing room the disappointment preceded concern and Palio couldn’t hide his frustration. People had blamed him saying he was losing his touch. And when Amanda started sobbing about the kids Palio lost it. “If that is all the trust u have in my virility why don’t you leave!?” he had screamed and stormed out of the room leaving her crying profusely. Nathan Lamborgi the Board president of the local club had sought a backstage audience that night and a fuming Palio walking past him had left him in two minds whether to enter or not. He had entered to express his concern for Amanda and ended up holding together her fragile and vulnerable self. He was smart, sensitive and understanding and the right person to be there to hold her from falling apart. When Palio came to his senses and returned to comfort her he found his Amanda holding hands with a stranger. He had left without a word. The next day before the show he had received an invitation for dinner from Nathan that he tore into the maximum number of pieces possible. After the show Nathan had approached again and to him it seemed Amanda was eager to go. “Come on Palio. Its an honor to be invited by such a respected gentleman.” He went along and was silent all through the dinner while Nathan went about making her laugh with stories playing the perfect host. That night after they returned Palio apologized to Amanda and told her he didn’t want to go out again. She seemed to understand and assured him they won’t need to go again. Before every show she would receive flowers that seemed to bring a smile on her face and a frown on his. The harder he tried to find solace in his shell the more suffocated he felt. He kept blaming himself and it had its effect on his performance. He transformed his misery into meaningless anger at himself and the world in general. Make your own skies. He had tried and ended up with an illusion of greatness with clouds of doubt decorating his blues.
“You’re on next Palio” announced a dwarf. Palio slowly walked back to his room and saw the flowers with a card “Love Nathan”. He walked to his knives and saw them smiling at him. He smiled at them and went to the mirror to touch up. He again saw the stranger in the mirror. “All set to go dear?” Amanda helped him into his coat and held his hands in hers the way she did before every performance. Somehow the warmth was absent today. “You all right Palio?” echoed the concern in her voice. He managed to smile “Absolutely”. She knew with that something was definitely not right. When people are bonded together more is conveyed with the words that weren’t said. “What is bothering you?” He couldn’t maintain eye contact and when he was looking for a way out “You’re on in a min” announced someone. He hastily tried to break from her. She squeezed a bit longer and uttered “I love you Palio” before she let go. She went onto the stage leaving behind a tear drop in his hands.
When Palio entered he was greeted with heavy applause, something he was used to but somehow his feet seemed to hesitate. He took one glance towards Nathan whose eyes were fixed on Amanda and he wished looks could kill. And then he imagined he saw Amanda returning his smile. He looked away and noticed two young kids sharing some joke with their mom and somehow he felt they were laughing at him. He closed his eyes and felt a trickle of tear on his cheeks. Wiping it away gave a wide smile to his blinding lights. He was ready for The show. He didn’t focus much on his warm up tricks which he could do in his sleep. Has his world approached Armageddon, he wondered? The crowd was cheering with renewed enthusiasm.
Amanda was positioning herself next to the big board and gave a broad smile to the audience. She positioned the melon right below her chest where it was supposed to be. Palio bowed to the crowd and reached for his knives. He took one look at Nathan now talking with someone with his eyes still fixed on Amanda. His Amanda. He closed his eyes and met her eyes. She was smiling but soon it faded. She knew. Now her eyes were pleading with horror and disbelief and with eyes welling up Palio lipped “I Love you” and threw the knife. Straight at her heart. There was gasp and a second of Stunned silence before anyone could react. Then people were running towards Amanda. A kid’s shrieking was the last thing he heard as he fell to the ground unclenching his favorite knife – Seda.
