I’m not exactly the type of person who stands nose to nose with someone I don’t agree with, with veins throbbing in my neck and make threatening statements.(What with the blubber accumulated, the nurses use me as pincushion before they can find a vein during blood donation camps) For such a peaceful person, something that can make me want to thrash the living daylights out of someone – I have discovered.
Now, when we were taught biology in 9th standard, most attention was spent on the Life process 2 chapter (expectedly). Somewhere in the chapter they were talking of the endocrine glands and stuff which I can’t remember exactly. But I’m sure nowhere was it mentioned secretions by a gland can obfuscate something as trivial as common sense! I mean, what factor in the www can make some [unprintable profanity] to spit from a vehicle in a traffic signal (moving bus even worse)?!
This is NOT a sad story of being painted and then me cribbing here. Cos I have no doubts had that ever happened I would have been currently in a police station pleading guilty to manslaughter. This post is a product of utter disgust at the thought that some have such an urge to spread their work as if its their purpose of existence.
I know people like that are almost everywhere. It even includes a few relatives and friends of mine. When I asked a friend of mine, why the F did he keep doing that, he was a bit embarrassed and after mutually exchanging sorries, it didn’t happen in my presence. He still does that I hear. Now this made me wonder how this habit(?) must have even come into existence or how do they convince themselves its not disgusting.
Come on people, a sense of civic hygiene can’t be acquired on being told. And its not a question of being taught in classrooms or at home. You just need to think if you would like to be at the other end of your actions. Its not rocket science!
In the end, this is not something I can do much about but express my concern and anger. If probably we put a fine for these people, it might reduce it a bit (and result in the class of Mercedes drivers who open the window to do the same.). Maybe trips to foreign localities might bring in some amount of shame. But ya that’s a maybe again.
Even if we get inspired by Titanic and get spitting into the Olympics (Cos we have chance for a few more golds), still a big no to spitting on the roads or in public places.
I could have spoken about related civic evils, but then I think this will be a sample candidate of that set.
Other than that, all the best to India in SL. And congratulations to our Olympic heroes who have done our country proud.
Adios!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Care for Droppings?
Probably there’s nothing new with your professional jargon seeping into your day to day vocabulary. I mean it’s the most natural thing. So if you are gonna list taking bath as an ‘action item’ I’m not going to mock you. But engineers, they are a bit different from the rest of the lot. No I’m not saying we terms drop (which we do), but even the intended audience won’t figure out what in the www are we talking about. For the sake of saving time on analogies I’d like to call these technical ramblings – ‘Droppings’.
Now let me tell you I’m not talking about the nerdy type portrayed in sitcoms like the big bang theory. I’m talking about the weasels (Read Dilbert) who thoroughly enjoy your expression of bewilderment that is brought about by a flurry of technical terms that have as much relevance with each other as Himesh has with acting. I confess I’m heavily influenced by the Dilbert books I’ve been reading, but that has only made me put the obvious truth into words.
Now, as someone who has a reputation of doing just the same (sample here), I think I’ll let you in on the secrets of effective Droppings. First lets identify the scenarios wherein you might need to resort to dropping.
Scenario 1: Status reports
Any status report meeting, simplicity is a vice. When it’s a question of explaining your screw up or in the rare case of exaggerating your accomplishments, it always serves well to make it complex. Remember, there are people who might see through your bluff and hence never commit yourself.
Eg:
U: “We are 2 days behind schedule. The modules on interoperability of the interface and making the tool vendor independent would require more analysis”
Him: “The what? Where did that even come into the picture?”
U: “I made it a point of analysis to ensure the power ratings and latency related problems of the vendors do not hamper the performance of our tool. For this we need to collect the tech specification from the diff vendors and ensure there’s no anamoly”
If you thought any of it is supposed to make sense – think again! By the time the other person recovers from the shock, you are free to get back to your browsing.
Scenario 2: Project documentation (Applicable to college students as well)
Well this is one lesson that is taught in college. A project report is something everyone demands but no one reads. But keep it in mind that everyone wants to pretend they are going through and hence point out some spelling mistake or the other.
Droppings here must comprise of abbreviations and if engineering project, a lot of greek alphabets. You might as well add telugu and tamil alphabets to emphasize it’s a genuine work. They always look nice in reports.
Abbreviations – make them up as much as you can and you can always say you’ve listed it in the look up table. In fact this works in status reports as well. You can always christen stuff like “That Icky Gooey Stuff” as TIGS and expand it later as some Thermally Insulated Gallium Silicide. (a 50-50 chance that something of that name actually exists!) Mathematically, 26P4 + 26P3 possibilities for conjuring your own 4 letter and 3 letter Abbreviations!
Next year some lazy junior is gonna take up your project work for reuse and by the time he figures out he’s been heavily loaded with droppings, his project reports would be spiral bound and hence your legacy will be carried on.
(Ya Its ok, you can mention me in acknowledgement and this blog in your bibliography)
Scenario 3: Code Red Scenarios
Ok, this is when you are in deep shit like having to explain what caused the system to crash. What’s different from the earlier scenarios is that here you better pray you can get away with it.
In such scenarios try to be highly generic. Use words like ‘possibly’, ‘probably’, ‘may’ every sentence and then use not more than 3 technical words a sentence. Preferably, try to get it right.
Eg: If your application had crashed while you were playing online Halo on your laptop, truth can crucify you. But for any chance of salvation you need to report accurate data. “While testing for performance of the tool when running a graphic intensive application over the web server, the system performance possibly deteriorated due to memory constrains of the processor”
Hurts no one, but talk about the weather if you are asked to repeat this [;)]
Scenario 4: Blip in the Radar
If you find two guys in an animated discussion of something too technical with grins and lols between each statement, the chances are high that they are talking about something so trivial. If you look around, you might find the triviality not too far from them.
This topic I can’t explain with too many details, but I can tell you this works like a charm. If you actually got what point I’m driving at, the chances are you don’t need any more explanation [:D]
If you don’t, ignore them as jackasses and get on with your work.
Scenario 5: For the heck of it
This is the ultimate human nature. Men (and women) play for reactions. And nothing more gratifying than a “Oh Shit!” expression for a performer. I mean you can’t get expression of awe and appreciation without working and hell, like someone wants to do that! Easier way out. Doesn’t it explain the hordes of PJ cracking smart asses that you find at every nook and corner?
So, the next time you are subjected to droppings from an engineer, stop trying to make sense out of it. If you were to get it, they’ll put it in simpler words :) On the contrary if you are an engineer and practicing the philo, cheers to us!
After reading Dilbert and of course seeing a few of my friends struggle, I realized things could have been worse. So here’s a word of thanks to my team and my TL here for making a life lot easier. (Touchwood)
Now let me tell you I’m not talking about the nerdy type portrayed in sitcoms like the big bang theory. I’m talking about the weasels (Read Dilbert) who thoroughly enjoy your expression of bewilderment that is brought about by a flurry of technical terms that have as much relevance with each other as Himesh has with acting. I confess I’m heavily influenced by the Dilbert books I’ve been reading, but that has only made me put the obvious truth into words.
Now, as someone who has a reputation of doing just the same (sample here), I think I’ll let you in on the secrets of effective Droppings. First lets identify the scenarios wherein you might need to resort to dropping.
Scenario 1: Status reports
Any status report meeting, simplicity is a vice. When it’s a question of explaining your screw up or in the rare case of exaggerating your accomplishments, it always serves well to make it complex. Remember, there are people who might see through your bluff and hence never commit yourself.
Eg:
U: “We are 2 days behind schedule. The modules on interoperability of the interface and making the tool vendor independent would require more analysis”
Him: “The what? Where did that even come into the picture?”
U: “I made it a point of analysis to ensure the power ratings and latency related problems of the vendors do not hamper the performance of our tool. For this we need to collect the tech specification from the diff vendors and ensure there’s no anamoly”
If you thought any of it is supposed to make sense – think again! By the time the other person recovers from the shock, you are free to get back to your browsing.
Scenario 2: Project documentation (Applicable to college students as well)
Well this is one lesson that is taught in college. A project report is something everyone demands but no one reads. But keep it in mind that everyone wants to pretend they are going through and hence point out some spelling mistake or the other.
Droppings here must comprise of abbreviations and if engineering project, a lot of greek alphabets. You might as well add telugu and tamil alphabets to emphasize it’s a genuine work. They always look nice in reports.
Abbreviations – make them up as much as you can and you can always say you’ve listed it in the look up table. In fact this works in status reports as well. You can always christen stuff like “That Icky Gooey Stuff” as TIGS and expand it later as some Thermally Insulated Gallium Silicide. (a 50-50 chance that something of that name actually exists!) Mathematically, 26P4 + 26P3 possibilities for conjuring your own 4 letter and 3 letter Abbreviations!
Next year some lazy junior is gonna take up your project work for reuse and by the time he figures out he’s been heavily loaded with droppings, his project reports would be spiral bound and hence your legacy will be carried on.
(Ya Its ok, you can mention me in acknowledgement and this blog in your bibliography)
Scenario 3: Code Red Scenarios
Ok, this is when you are in deep shit like having to explain what caused the system to crash. What’s different from the earlier scenarios is that here you better pray you can get away with it.
In such scenarios try to be highly generic. Use words like ‘possibly’, ‘probably’, ‘may’ every sentence and then use not more than 3 technical words a sentence. Preferably, try to get it right.
Eg: If your application had crashed while you were playing online Halo on your laptop, truth can crucify you. But for any chance of salvation you need to report accurate data. “While testing for performance of the tool when running a graphic intensive application over the web server, the system performance possibly deteriorated due to memory constrains of the processor”
Hurts no one, but talk about the weather if you are asked to repeat this [;)]
Scenario 4: Blip in the Radar
If you find two guys in an animated discussion of something too technical with grins and lols between each statement, the chances are high that they are talking about something so trivial. If you look around, you might find the triviality not too far from them.
This topic I can’t explain with too many details, but I can tell you this works like a charm. If you actually got what point I’m driving at, the chances are you don’t need any more explanation [:D]
If you don’t, ignore them as jackasses and get on with your work.
Scenario 5: For the heck of it
This is the ultimate human nature. Men (and women) play for reactions. And nothing more gratifying than a “Oh Shit!” expression for a performer. I mean you can’t get expression of awe and appreciation without working and hell, like someone wants to do that! Easier way out. Doesn’t it explain the hordes of PJ cracking smart asses that you find at every nook and corner?
So, the next time you are subjected to droppings from an engineer, stop trying to make sense out of it. If you were to get it, they’ll put it in simpler words :) On the contrary if you are an engineer and practicing the philo, cheers to us!
After reading Dilbert and of course seeing a few of my friends struggle, I realized things could have been worse. So here’s a word of thanks to my team and my TL here for making a life lot easier. (Touchwood)
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
PDA - Public Display of Absurdity
Popular belief is that with time and usage, your command over a language strengthens. But in my case, the reverse seems to be happening. No, this is not one of those self depreciating statements that expect reassurances from various corners. It’s a realization comforted by the fact that I’m at least slightly better than the commentary team of Set Max and IPL!
Before I go into my English, let me make fun of the IPL commentators. If I go down, I take them down with me. [:D] Probably we are partly responsible for a slightly perversive interpretation skills garnered by endless tirade of Two and a half men (there goes 2 of the 3 words that is interpreted as my “command” over English), but come on!! It can’t be just me.
When Rohan Jadeja took a catch at long off without moving from his place during the finals of the IPL Rameez Raja had this to say. “I can’t understand it. The young fielder totally doesn’t seem to be turned on by the ball in the air!!” (Well, no comments) There are almost a fifty other instances just in the semifinals and the finals (which I watched from start till end) when I wondered how stupid they will feel if it was played back to them.
And what was Ajay Jadeja blabbering all through the extra innings?!! If he had gotten two sentences in succession right, either factually or grammatically, I’m sure I must have missed the show.
If you remember from my earlier blogs (or you’ve heard me tell), I’m the party focal for my team. And of the strong opinion everyone has the right to make a complete fool out of oneself and I exercise every bit of it during these parties. But of late I find myself stopping in mid sentence, even before the punch line of an anecdote, cos I’m not sure about the grammar! Well Hindi, its kind of understandable since I am not still sure of the ki and ka and the ling concept is something that always make me stick to English. But when a reputation of “Talks a lot!!” is at stake, my incomplete sentences and occasional spells of silence are raising a few brows.
While I was trying to come to terms with the fact the instantaneous PJ’s end up being grammatically wrong (which I immediately correct and must stop doing), I kind of sought precedence to PDA(public Display of Absurdity). And these are my findings:
· Navjot Singh Sidhu, immaterial of the fact that he is uttering utter bullshit, says it with all that much confidence that its now termed Sidhuism. Probably a pointer there. (‘uttering utter bullshit’! How about that!)
· Banglore movie posters carry English that might make Wren and Martin perform a Ballet in their graves with occasional effects of banging their heads in the tombstone.
· The panel of commentators in Neo Sports and Set Max as elucidated with examples before.
· The Parliament sessions with the entire lot in whose hands rests the wellbeing of this mighty nation.
Basically, I could include a few more specific examples that might land me in soup (would that make me a crumb?). I’m not alone. Not the elite I agree, but nevertheless popular enough to be comforting. So here I’m better off than what I started with.
PS: For those of you, who understood what I was trying to do here, I have something to say – Sogar ich bekam es nicht :)
Adios.
Afterword: Ever notice how the title of the blog somehow never gives away the content? :D No nothing to it, just an observation.
Before I go into my English, let me make fun of the IPL commentators. If I go down, I take them down with me. [:D] Probably we are partly responsible for a slightly perversive interpretation skills garnered by endless tirade of Two and a half men (there goes 2 of the 3 words that is interpreted as my “command” over English), but come on!! It can’t be just me.
When Rohan Jadeja took a catch at long off without moving from his place during the finals of the IPL Rameez Raja had this to say. “I can’t understand it. The young fielder totally doesn’t seem to be turned on by the ball in the air!!” (Well, no comments) There are almost a fifty other instances just in the semifinals and the finals (which I watched from start till end) when I wondered how stupid they will feel if it was played back to them.
And what was Ajay Jadeja blabbering all through the extra innings?!! If he had gotten two sentences in succession right, either factually or grammatically, I’m sure I must have missed the show.
If you remember from my earlier blogs (or you’ve heard me tell), I’m the party focal for my team. And of the strong opinion everyone has the right to make a complete fool out of oneself and I exercise every bit of it during these parties. But of late I find myself stopping in mid sentence, even before the punch line of an anecdote, cos I’m not sure about the grammar! Well Hindi, its kind of understandable since I am not still sure of the ki and ka and the ling concept is something that always make me stick to English. But when a reputation of “Talks a lot!!” is at stake, my incomplete sentences and occasional spells of silence are raising a few brows.
While I was trying to come to terms with the fact the instantaneous PJ’s end up being grammatically wrong (which I immediately correct and must stop doing), I kind of sought precedence to PDA(public Display of Absurdity). And these are my findings:
· Navjot Singh Sidhu, immaterial of the fact that he is uttering utter bullshit, says it with all that much confidence that its now termed Sidhuism. Probably a pointer there. (‘uttering utter bullshit’! How about that!)
· Banglore movie posters carry English that might make Wren and Martin perform a Ballet in their graves with occasional effects of banging their heads in the tombstone.
· The panel of commentators in Neo Sports and Set Max as elucidated with examples before.
· The Parliament sessions with the entire lot in whose hands rests the wellbeing of this mighty nation.
Basically, I could include a few more specific examples that might land me in soup (would that make me a crumb?). I’m not alone. Not the elite I agree, but nevertheless popular enough to be comforting. So here I’m better off than what I started with.
PS: For those of you, who understood what I was trying to do here, I have something to say – Sogar ich bekam es nicht :)
Adios.
Afterword: Ever notice how the title of the blog somehow never gives away the content? :D No nothing to it, just an observation.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Where's the balance?
With people writing articles that are supposed to create an impact on the way we perceive things, I got into thinking, I must write about something that affected me in recent times. But then I realized there was nothing glamorous or ground breaking about common cold. So I decided not to pursue that thought further. [cough]
So I sat there with Rs30 worth Kleenex packet [for reasons I decided not to pursue earlier] talking to my friend on phone. She was all charged up narrating some incident in a pitch that would make glass shatter [it’s the frequency right?]. Apparently an auto driver had got her to her home through a longer route, so instead of the usual Rs15, the meter read Rs18. When asked the auto driver got really hurt and emotionally troubled and so decided to elucidate how cheap she was and pointed out she was the one earning a hefty pay check! My normally docile pal had shouted “SO???” so loud that the communist party prepared for a bandh and Ramadoss prepared to start a procession to support the oppressed.
At this point I had to intervene, for, unwittingly she had started using words in hindi (that had to do with a few animals and social life of the auto wala’s family members) that I had not heard even from my Mumbai and Bengali roomies! So after I calmed her down and promised that karma will prevail and the 3rs will make its way back to her at all cost and bid her good night, I started thinking (ya I did).
Though the auto wala had no right in arguing, wasn’t he used to being not questioned? I mean most people nowadays wouldn’t have thought a sec about giving a twenty rupee note and wouldn’t have asked for the change!! Now the economic class in our country has undergone a major makeover from what it was some ten years back. Now you see malls and supermarkets and lounges where the economic group comprising the IT sector throw away money without once thinking if its actually worth it. So where are the ppl who put the monthly budget and bargain 50 paise on ½ kg atta? Sadly, they too mingle in the same crowd and are the most affected by actions of the careless lot.
Let me explain. A typical employee in a IT company if unmarried (or married for a long time), spends around 12 hours a day in the company that include lunch and in a few cases the breakfast and dinner too. Most cases its more than that and they work weekends too (makes you want to ridicule ppl who argue about life after death. These ppl don’t seem to have one before death!). Anyways, the point is they come out to the world during an odd weekend and suddenly realize they are in a rush to spend. Not only do they end up overpaying for things they don’t even need, but make it a point to act cool about it!! How is it cool to be made a fool?! And their foolishness is going to affect the next tier of consumers who look up the daily price watch and offers before they even set out to shop.
I know I’m kind of generalizing, but this is the true scenario everywhere. How did we make the autowalas and grocery shop owners feel, we won’t ask back for the change? How did we make the B2C sector come up with products that serve no useful purpose and still make us want them?! Beats me.
But somehow after the thought process I decided I’d do my part and not give away money carelessly. As I was feeling a bit good about myself, I got a call from my before mentioned friend. The conversation was something like this
“Abey sorry bey. Boora mat maan,k? “
“Arey.. No Problem re. I understand. Koi baat nahi”
“Ok, Cool. Waise, you remember you owe me Rs 25 for the auto that we shared the other day? Just thought will remind you. Good night. Sweet Dreams”
“…....”
Sure enough, the first thing I did was to put a cell phone reminder for the 25 Rs. Who wants to be damaged by someone who knows too many words!?
Note to friend: Sorry yaar. Couldn’t resist a few exaggerations :D
So I sat there with Rs30 worth Kleenex packet [for reasons I decided not to pursue earlier] talking to my friend on phone. She was all charged up narrating some incident in a pitch that would make glass shatter [it’s the frequency right?]. Apparently an auto driver had got her to her home through a longer route, so instead of the usual Rs15, the meter read Rs18. When asked the auto driver got really hurt and emotionally troubled and so decided to elucidate how cheap she was and pointed out she was the one earning a hefty pay check! My normally docile pal had shouted “SO???” so loud that the communist party prepared for a bandh and Ramadoss prepared to start a procession to support the oppressed.
At this point I had to intervene, for, unwittingly she had started using words in hindi (that had to do with a few animals and social life of the auto wala’s family members) that I had not heard even from my Mumbai and Bengali roomies! So after I calmed her down and promised that karma will prevail and the 3rs will make its way back to her at all cost and bid her good night, I started thinking (ya I did).
Though the auto wala had no right in arguing, wasn’t he used to being not questioned? I mean most people nowadays wouldn’t have thought a sec about giving a twenty rupee note and wouldn’t have asked for the change!! Now the economic class in our country has undergone a major makeover from what it was some ten years back. Now you see malls and supermarkets and lounges where the economic group comprising the IT sector throw away money without once thinking if its actually worth it. So where are the ppl who put the monthly budget and bargain 50 paise on ½ kg atta? Sadly, they too mingle in the same crowd and are the most affected by actions of the careless lot.
Let me explain. A typical employee in a IT company if unmarried (or married for a long time), spends around 12 hours a day in the company that include lunch and in a few cases the breakfast and dinner too. Most cases its more than that and they work weekends too (makes you want to ridicule ppl who argue about life after death. These ppl don’t seem to have one before death!). Anyways, the point is they come out to the world during an odd weekend and suddenly realize they are in a rush to spend. Not only do they end up overpaying for things they don’t even need, but make it a point to act cool about it!! How is it cool to be made a fool?! And their foolishness is going to affect the next tier of consumers who look up the daily price watch and offers before they even set out to shop.
I know I’m kind of generalizing, but this is the true scenario everywhere. How did we make the autowalas and grocery shop owners feel, we won’t ask back for the change? How did we make the B2C sector come up with products that serve no useful purpose and still make us want them?! Beats me.
But somehow after the thought process I decided I’d do my part and not give away money carelessly. As I was feeling a bit good about myself, I got a call from my before mentioned friend. The conversation was something like this
“Abey sorry bey. Boora mat maan,k? “
“Arey.. No Problem re. I understand. Koi baat nahi”
“Ok, Cool. Waise, you remember you owe me Rs 25 for the auto that we shared the other day? Just thought will remind you. Good night. Sweet Dreams”
“…....”
Sure enough, the first thing I did was to put a cell phone reminder for the 25 Rs. Who wants to be damaged by someone who knows too many words!?
Note to friend: Sorry yaar. Couldn’t resist a few exaggerations :D
Monday, April 7, 2008
Palio - a short story
Note: The following is something i wrote long back when i wanted to explore story writing as a means of expression.
Palio saw his reflection in the mirror. Somehow he was looking at a stranger. In a shiny flowing robe with heavy chains round his neck he was the perfect showman. He had been born for this Usdo used to say. Some people can make a difference to your life, but there are very few who make your life. Palio was who he was because of Usdo.
In his nomadic days with the gypsies, Usdo had adopted Palio, after his dad died in a ‘freak’ accident, as the civilized put it. Well he didn’t see how it was ‘freak’ to fall from the high wire onto the ground fifty feet below when you were totally stoned. But after this Usdo was everything to him. Usdo made him his protégée and taught him everything he knew. Palio was eager to learn and it wasn’t too long before he bettered his mentor. But he was too quite to be a gypsy was the opinion in the camp and some even spoke to him in sign language to prod if he was mute. That never used to bother him because the shell he wore was out of choice. He believed nothing could penetrate his shell. So he ran from the Gypsies on his fifteenth birthday with Usdo’s blessings. “Make your own sky to fly. Your own peaks to scale” he had said.
“Palio!! Are u even listening to me??” demanded a voice that brought him out of his reverie. “Off to your thoughts again? Start living in reality dear!” Amanda. He gave her a second of attention despite the fact that she just hurt his male ego. He wasn’t a sexist but still he preferred not to be told how to live his life even by his wife. “Too bad today will be the last performance in this city” she mumbled. “Yes it is” Palio replied in a non committal dreamy tone.
It was love at first sight. Or so she said. After he joined the Big Circus, he still took pride in his shell. He never spoke unless essential and it was essential for him to find an ‘assistant’ so he can earn more. He felt it was comical that they were called that. Amanda walked in through the tent, a slender tall lasse, answering to the ad in paper. Just the sight of her made him lose his tongue or whatever was left of it. He’d never seen someone as beautiful and it scared him. He remembered trying to explain her work without making eye contact, for the fear he might forget. He somehow felt her glance all over him. ‘Am I looking alright?’, ‘Maybe I should have worn my suit’, ‘Has she left?’ such thoughts kept cropping up amidst his palpitations. When he raised his eyes to meet hers she was smiling at him. She explained she had done this before and so she knew this all and he managed a ‘oh’ wishing for the earth to open and swallow him. They held the eye contact without uttering a word but still conversing a million thoughts and in a week they got married and he relaxed his shell a bit. He even allowed himself an occasional laugh and spoke words that weren’t essential! To him that was an achievement. The next five years he slowly moved from the fill-in to the star attraction and Amanda was there by him, for him, with him. The tours took them across many a cities and villages and watered by the alienity of the towns their love brought them closer and rooted on faith and belief.
His thoughts suffocated him and he felt the need for a smoke. He lit his cigar and walked towards his ‘tools’. They always made him feel confident. They smiled at him and he always felt they longed for his touch. A feeling that comes from years of bonding. He had refused to get new ones because he felt it would be betrayal to abandon his faithful tools. He even had names for each and his favourite was Seda- Usdo’s first knife. He ran his hands over them and felt their sharp edges coming to life on his touch. To him they meant more than his means of bread. His friends. His talisman for the love he had for Amanda. The proof of the trust she had on him.
When he started out with juggling the knives at the circus, he was disappointed. Usdo had prepared him for more. He could sever the fruit from the tree and cut it to four before it could even strike the ground! He could hit a bulls eye on a moving truck immaterial of the speed. His knives never failed him. And he never failed them. He had needed an ‘assistant’ who would trust him and do as he said to awe the audience, to become the showman he wanted to become. But in times when you can’t even trust your shadow this was next to impossible till Amanda came. She trusted him completely, a trust that could only come from blind love. He could hit the bulls-eye blindfold while she moved rhythmically with his target. She could make graceful movements while he threw the knives outlining her on the piece of wood! Such was the trust and understanding between the three – Him, Amanda and the knives. When on the move he preferred to caress his knives, talking to them like they were his kids, while Amanda slept. Kids – They tried in earnest. Somehow they were not blessed. He didn’t seem to care but was aware of his wife’s anxiety. She was ten years older than him and had the nature’s deadlines to worry about. He had tried to be understanding but somehow he ended up getting frustrated. He cared. But he was helpless.
As a drop of tear began to blur his vision he wiped his eyes and went to the tent and peeked out towards the audience. There he was. Seated in his usual first row was Nathan Lamborgi. Palio despised everything about him
It had been the second show in this particular town. An entire school had come to the circus as part of their school trip. Children have been the perfect audience. They were always ready to be enthralled. To be awed. To be entertained. Unfortunately it was too much for Amanda. She was distracted all through the performance and during the blindfold act a knife had scraped her leg. Palio heard the sound of horror that was different from the usual awe. Amanda did her best not to react but the pain showed. Once back in the dressing room the disappointment preceded concern and Palio couldn’t hide his frustration. People had blamed him saying he was losing his touch. And when Amanda started sobbing about the kids Palio lost it. “If that is all the trust u have in my virility why don’t you leave!?” he had screamed and stormed out of the room leaving her crying profusely. Nathan Lamborgi the Board president of the local club had sought a backstage audience that night and a fuming Palio walking past him had left him in two minds whether to enter or not. He had entered to express his concern for Amanda and ended up holding together her fragile and vulnerable self. He was smart, sensitive and understanding and the right person to be there to hold her from falling apart. When Palio came to his senses and returned to comfort her he found his Amanda holding hands with a stranger. He had left without a word. The next day before the show he had received an invitation for dinner from Nathan that he tore into the maximum number of pieces possible. After the show Nathan had approached again and to him it seemed Amanda was eager to go. “Come on Palio. Its an honor to be invited by such a respected gentleman.” He went along and was silent all through the dinner while Nathan went about making her laugh with stories playing the perfect host. That night after they returned Palio apologized to Amanda and told her he didn’t want to go out again. She seemed to understand and assured him they won’t need to go again. Before every show she would receive flowers that seemed to bring a smile on her face and a frown on his. The harder he tried to find solace in his shell the more suffocated he felt. He kept blaming himself and it had its effect on his performance. He transformed his misery into meaningless anger at himself and the world in general. Make your own skies. He had tried and ended up with an illusion of greatness with clouds of doubt decorating his blues.
“You’re on next Palio” announced a dwarf. Palio slowly walked back to his room and saw the flowers with a card “Love Nathan”. He walked to his knives and saw them smiling at him. He smiled at them and went to the mirror to touch up. He again saw the stranger in the mirror. “All set to go dear?” Amanda helped him into his coat and held his hands in hers the way she did before every performance. Somehow the warmth was absent today. “You all right Palio?” echoed the concern in her voice. He managed to smile “Absolutely”. She knew with that something was definitely not right. When people are bonded together more is conveyed with the words that weren’t said. “What is bothering you?” He couldn’t maintain eye contact and when he was looking for a way out “You’re on in a min” announced someone. He hastily tried to break from her. She squeezed a bit longer and uttered “I love you Palio” before she let go. She went onto the stage leaving behind a tear drop in his hands.
When Palio entered he was greeted with heavy applause, something he was used to but somehow his feet seemed to hesitate. He took one glance towards Nathan whose eyes were fixed on Amanda and he wished looks could kill. And then he imagined he saw Amanda returning his smile. He looked away and noticed two young kids sharing some joke with their mom and somehow he felt they were laughing at him. He closed his eyes and felt a trickle of tear on his cheeks. Wiping it away gave a wide smile to his blinding lights. He was ready for The show. He didn’t focus much on his warm up tricks which he could do in his sleep. Has his world approached Armageddon, he wondered? The crowd was cheering with renewed enthusiasm.
Amanda was positioning herself next to the big board and gave a broad smile to the audience. She positioned the melon right below her chest where it was supposed to be. Palio bowed to the crowd and reached for his knives. He took one look at Nathan now talking with someone with his eyes still fixed on Amanda. His Amanda. He closed his eyes and met her eyes. She was smiling but soon it faded. She knew. Now her eyes were pleading with horror and disbelief and with eyes welling up Palio lipped “I Love you” and threw the knife. Straight at her heart. There was gasp and a second of Stunned silence before anyone could react. Then people were running towards Amanda. A kid’s shrieking was the last thing he heard as he fell to the ground unclenching his favorite knife – Seda.
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