Where's the balance?

With people writing articles that are supposed to create an impact on the way we perceive things, I got into thinking, I must write about something that affected me in recent times. But then I realized there was nothing glamorous or ground breaking about common cold. So I decided not to pursue that thought further. [cough]

So I sat there with Rs30 worth Kleenex packet [for reasons I decided not to pursue earlier] talking to my friend on phone. She was all charged up narrating some incident in a pitch that would make glass shatter [it’s the frequency right?]. Apparently an auto driver had got her to her home through a longer route, so instead of the usual Rs15, the meter read Rs18. When asked the auto driver got really hurt and emotionally troubled and so decided to elucidate how cheap she was and pointed out she was the one earning a hefty pay check! My normally docile pal had shouted “SO???” so loud that the communist party prepared for a bandh and Ramadoss prepared to start a procession to support the oppressed.

At this point I had to intervene, for, unwittingly she had started using words in hindi (that had to do with a few animals and social life of the auto wala’s family members) that I had not heard even from my Mumbai and Bengali roomies! So after I calmed her down and promised that karma will prevail and the 3rs will make its way back to her at all cost and bid her good night, I started thinking (ya I did).

Though the auto wala had no right in arguing, wasn’t he used to being not questioned? I mean most people nowadays wouldn’t have thought a sec about giving a twenty rupee note and wouldn’t have asked for the change!! Now the economic class in our country has undergone a major makeover from what it was some ten years back. Now you see malls and supermarkets and lounges where the economic group comprising the IT sector throw away money without once thinking if its actually worth it. So where are the ppl who put the monthly budget and bargain 50 paise on ½ kg atta? Sadly, they too mingle in the same crowd and are the most affected by actions of the careless lot.

Let me explain. A typical employee in a IT company if unmarried (or married for a long time), spends around 12 hours a day in the company that include lunch and in a few cases the breakfast and dinner too. Most cases its more than that and they work weekends too (makes you want to ridicule ppl who argue about life after death. These ppl don’t seem to have one before death!). Anyways, the point is they come out to the world during an odd weekend and suddenly realize they are in a rush to spend. Not only do they end up overpaying for things they don’t even need, but make it a point to act cool about it!! How is it cool to be made a fool?! And their foolishness is going to affect the next tier of consumers who look up the daily price watch and offers before they even set out to shop.

I know I’m kind of generalizing, but this is the true scenario everywhere. How did we make the autowalas and grocery shop owners feel, we won’t ask back for the change? How did we make the B2C sector come up with products that serve no useful purpose and still make us want them?! Beats me.

But somehow after the thought process I decided I’d do my part and not give away money carelessly. As I was feeling a bit good about myself, I got a call from my before mentioned friend. The conversation was something like this

“Abey sorry bey. Boora mat maan,k? “

“Arey.. No Problem re. I understand. Koi baat nahi”

“Ok, Cool. Waise, you remember you owe me Rs 25 for the auto that we shared the other day? Just thought will remind you. Good night. Sweet Dreams”

“…....”

Sure enough, the first thing I did was to put a cell phone reminder for the 25 Rs. Who wants to be damaged by someone who knows too many words!?

Note to friend: Sorry yaar. Couldn’t resist a few exaggerations :D

Palio - a short story

Note: The following is something i wrote long back when i wanted to explore story writing as a means of expression.

Palio saw his reflection in the mirror. Somehow he was looking at a stranger. In a shiny flowing robe with heavy chains round his neck he was the perfect showman. He had been born for this Usdo used to say. Some people can make a difference to your life, but there are very few who make your life. Palio was who he was because of Usdo.

In his nomadic days with the gypsies, Usdo had adopted Palio, after his dad died in a ‘freak’ accident, as the civilized put it. Well he didn’t see how it was ‘freak’ to fall from the high wire onto the ground fifty feet below when you were totally stoned. But after this Usdo was everything to him. Usdo made him his protégée and taught him everything he knew. Palio was eager to learn and it wasn’t too long before he bettered his mentor. But he was too quite to be a gypsy was the opinion in the camp and some even spoke to him in sign language to prod if he was mute. That never used to bother him because the shell he wore was out of choice. He believed nothing could penetrate his shell. So he ran from the Gypsies on his fifteenth birthday with Usdo’s blessings. “Make your own sky to fly. Your own peaks to scale” he had said.

“Palio!! Are u even listening to me??” demanded a voice that brought him out of his reverie. “Off to your thoughts again? Start living in reality dear!” Amanda. He gave her a second of attention despite the fact that she just hurt his male ego. He wasn’t a sexist but still he preferred not to be told how to live his life even by his wife. “Too bad today will be the last performance in this city” she mumbled. “Yes it is” Palio replied in a non committal dreamy tone.

It was love at first sight. Or so she said. After he joined the Big Circus, he still took pride in his shell. He never spoke unless essential and it was essential for him to find an ‘assistant’ so he can earn more. He felt it was comical that they were called that. Amanda walked in through the tent, a slender tall lasse, answering to the ad in paper. Just the sight of her made him lose his tongue or whatever was left of it. He’d never seen someone as beautiful and it scared him. He remembered trying to explain her work without making eye contact, for the fear he might forget. He somehow felt her glance all over him. ‘Am I looking alright?’, ‘Maybe I should have worn my suit’, ‘Has she left?’ such thoughts kept cropping up amidst his palpitations. When he raised his eyes to meet hers she was smiling at him. She explained she had done this before and so she knew this all and he managed a ‘oh’ wishing for the earth to open and swallow him. They held the eye contact without uttering a word but still conversing a million thoughts and in a week they got married and he relaxed his shell a bit. He even allowed himself an occasional laugh and spoke words that weren’t essential! To him that was an achievement. The next five years he slowly moved from the fill-in to the star attraction and Amanda was there by him, for him, with him. The tours took them across many a cities and villages and watered by the alienity of the towns their love brought them closer and rooted on faith and belief.

His thoughts suffocated him and he felt the need for a smoke. He lit his cigar and walked towards his ‘tools’. They always made him feel confident. They smiled at him and he always felt they longed for his touch. A feeling that comes from years of bonding. He had refused to get new ones because he felt it would be betrayal to abandon his faithful tools. He even had names for each and his favourite was Seda- Usdo’s first knife. He ran his hands over them and felt their sharp edges coming to life on his touch. To him they meant more than his means of bread. His friends. His talisman for the love he had for Amanda. The proof of the trust she had on him.

When he started out with juggling the knives at the circus, he was disappointed. Usdo had prepared him for more. He could sever the fruit from the tree and cut it to four before it could even strike the ground! He could hit a bulls eye on a moving truck immaterial of the speed. His knives never failed him. And he never failed them. He had needed an ‘assistant’ who would trust him and do as he said to awe the audience, to become the showman he wanted to become. But in times when you can’t even trust your shadow this was next to impossible till Amanda came. She trusted him completely, a trust that could only come from blind love. He could hit the bulls-eye blindfold while she moved rhythmically with his target. She could make graceful movements while he threw the knives outlining her on the piece of wood! Such was the trust and understanding between the three – Him, Amanda and the knives. When on the move he preferred to caress his knives, talking to them like they were his kids, while Amanda slept. Kids – They tried in earnest. Somehow they were not blessed. He didn’t seem to care but was aware of his wife’s anxiety. She was ten years older than him and had the nature’s deadlines to worry about. He had tried to be understanding but somehow he ended up getting frustrated. He cared. But he was helpless.

As a drop of tear began to blur his vision he wiped his eyes and went to the tent and peeked out towards the audience. There he was. Seated in his usual first row was Nathan Lamborgi. Palio despised everything about him

It had been the second show in this particular town. An entire school had come to the circus as part of their school trip. Children have been the perfect audience. They were always ready to be enthralled. To be awed. To be entertained. Unfortunately it was too much for Amanda. She was distracted all through the performance and during the blindfold act a knife had scraped her leg. Palio heard the sound of horror that was different from the usual awe. Amanda did her best not to react but the pain showed. Once back in the dressing room the disappointment preceded concern and Palio couldn’t hide his frustration. People had blamed him saying he was losing his touch. And when Amanda started sobbing about the kids Palio lost it. “If that is all the trust u have in my virility why don’t you leave!?” he had screamed and stormed out of the room leaving her crying profusely. Nathan Lamborgi the Board president of the local club had sought a backstage audience that night and a fuming Palio walking past him had left him in two minds whether to enter or not. He had entered to express his concern for Amanda and ended up holding together her fragile and vulnerable self. He was smart, sensitive and understanding and the right person to be there to hold her from falling apart. When Palio came to his senses and returned to comfort her he found his Amanda holding hands with a stranger. He had left without a word. The next day before the show he had received an invitation for dinner from Nathan that he tore into the maximum number of pieces possible. After the show Nathan had approached again and to him it seemed Amanda was eager to go. “Come on Palio. Its an honor to be invited by such a respected gentleman.” He went along and was silent all through the dinner while Nathan went about making her laugh with stories playing the perfect host. That night after they returned Palio apologized to Amanda and told her he didn’t want to go out again. She seemed to understand and assured him they won’t need to go again. Before every show she would receive flowers that seemed to bring a smile on her face and a frown on his. The harder he tried to find solace in his shell the more suffocated he felt. He kept blaming himself and it had its effect on his performance. He transformed his misery into meaningless anger at himself and the world in general. Make your own skies. He had tried and ended up with an illusion of greatness with clouds of doubt decorating his blues.

“You’re on next Palio” announced a dwarf. Palio slowly walked back to his room and saw the flowers with a card “Love Nathan”. He walked to his knives and saw them smiling at him. He smiled at them and went to the mirror to touch up. He again saw the stranger in the mirror. “All set to go dear?” Amanda helped him into his coat and held his hands in hers the way she did before every performance. Somehow the warmth was absent today. “You all right Palio?” echoed the concern in her voice. He managed to smile “Absolutely”. She knew with that something was definitely not right. When people are bonded together more is conveyed with the words that weren’t said. “What is bothering you?” He couldn’t maintain eye contact and when he was looking for a way out “You’re on in a min” announced someone. He hastily tried to break from her. She squeezed a bit longer and uttered “I love you Palio” before she let go. She went onto the stage leaving behind a tear drop in his hands.

When Palio entered he was greeted with heavy applause, something he was used to but somehow his feet seemed to hesitate. He took one glance towards Nathan whose eyes were fixed on Amanda and he wished looks could kill. And then he imagined he saw Amanda returning his smile. He looked away and noticed two young kids sharing some joke with their mom and somehow he felt they were laughing at him. He closed his eyes and felt a trickle of tear on his cheeks. Wiping it away gave a wide smile to his blinding lights. He was ready for The show. He didn’t focus much on his warm up tricks which he could do in his sleep. Has his world approached Armageddon, he wondered? The crowd was cheering with renewed enthusiasm.

Amanda was positioning herself next to the big board and gave a broad smile to the audience. She positioned the melon right below her chest where it was supposed to be. Palio bowed to the crowd and reached for his knives. He took one look at Nathan now talking with someone with his eyes still fixed on Amanda. His Amanda. He closed his eyes and met her eyes. She was smiling but soon it faded. She knew. Now her eyes were pleading with horror and disbelief and with eyes welling up Palio lipped “I Love you” and threw the knife. Straight at her heart. There was gasp and a second of Stunned silence before anyone could react. Then people were running towards Amanda. A kid’s shrieking was the last thing he heard as he fell to the ground unclenching his favorite knife – Seda.

Jodhaa Akbar

I wanted to watch Jodhaa Akbar for a long time and then I got my wish, literally – I watched the movie for a loooong time! After surprising myself with efforts on my part to book tickets in advance for almost the entire lot for a weekday night show(fiscal benefits), little did I imagine it would be a night-early morning show. But ya with the reviews highly polarized, I wouldn’t say I was too disappointed or happy about it.

First, when I say I know Hindi, I mean I can understand and converse if the southie accent is tolerated (and know enough so as to not to express my awe at the enormity of shopping malls with a “Kya mall hai!!”) But I’d be damned for thinking I was going to a hindi movie! (someone told me few of the dialogues were Urdu, Phew) . It was Antennas class all over again and when faced with such a situation we (ya I include a few of the puritan Hindi speaking people in the hall too) did the most natural thing one can do – grin stupidly. Anytime there was a long stretch of dialogue, we ended up lolin in the hall ignoring the nasty looks of one or two people who were actually trying to understand every word. (Yes I got the gist and meaning of it all, Thank you)

And by God, I couldn’t control laughing at the Khwaja song! The song in my opinion has been the song of the year so far, absolute brilliance of the maestro evident in the instruments and the mixing. The rendition is so superb that I have no words to describe the genius! But the video, well, its quite another thing. The expression of the co-singers when one of them is singing or how 4 different people can sing in the same voice or how they suddenly start advertising for mortein or tortoise by swatting from side to side or how every time the guy goes into high pitch they show the women crying! And making Hritik dance was the last straw. Comeon, we know he’s a good dancer but he doesn’t need to dance in every movie!!

On the plusses in the movie, the chemistry between the lead pair was good.(the physics wasn’t bad either) They have quite loyally stuck to showing it as a romantic movie without trying to focus too much into the conquests of Akbar. The battle scenes were decent and the background score amazing. The camera work was good and managed to capture the picturesque landscapes and palaces.

As if making up for the Khwaja song the title track was choreographed beautifully. The costumes and jewellery befit a period film and has been paid great attention to. And though I’m not a great fan of Aishwarya or Hritik, they’ve done a good job.

When I walked out of the theatre at 2.30 in the night with just the thought of when I’ll go home to my bed , I wasn’t by any chance judging the movie (Happy ending. Everyone was happy when it ended) But on hind sight, it’s a commendable effort amidst the mediocre masala films and might even be worthy of the hype given. So I would recommend, you watch it once cos such movies are not made on everyday basis.

And with that recommendation here’s a nice thought that I thoroughly enjoyed.
“Never go to bed angry.
Stay up and plot your revenge.”

Adios

PS:When i reread, I realised i use long sentences. Well, What do i say? Just thank God i'm not a judge :)

Terms of Endearment

It hates me.

I know, not the kind of post one would expect on a day of false cheerfulness, unsaid expectations, uncomfortable silences and of course a very thinning wallet. Since none of them concern me and I’m of the opinion only murders are to be committed, not a 22 year old (of course those grapes are sour), let me come back to the issue at hand. The ‘it’ in context is my office comp.

Like kids from most middle class families in the 90s down south, I grew up watching serials on Doordarshan during the most impressionable stages of growing up. One of the characters that used to amuse me was the shape embedded in cosmos from Mahabharath which goes like “Main (long pause) Samay (long pause) Hoon” till the next break. I used to wonder can anything be more slower than this, till I saw the dialogue delivery in junoon.

Now you must see my computer here and you’ll see why I got reminded of these. Of course my comp in accordance with the new technologies exhibits ultra slow motion, bullet-time, freeze frame and many such amazing technologies that it has no business incorporating and not when I am using it!

Of course the relation I share with my compiler is something so special, especially just before major releases of my tool.(by that I mean product, don’t skew it) It reminds me of those old bollywood movie scenes between the ‘gaon ki gori’ and ‘shehari babu’. Just when the ‘shehari babu’ puts in all his efforts and thinks he’s gonna get somewhere with ‘gaon ki gori’, she gets up abruptly and delivers dialogue on sanskar and parampara in a shrill voice looking at the ground and exits leaving the guy baffled. Well almost similar here, only all I expect is some output and all I get is highlighted exceptions! (Most time it works the 2nd time without me having to change anything)

And though I know, I demand a lot with 14 windows open at any given point of time (12 of which are blogs/cartoons), I feel sometimes it does things just to piss me off. Just the other day it shut down all the open windows and demanded to be restarted or will go and complain to Microsoft. And worse still, it hides my folders when I want it (I’m serious) and doesn’t allow me to connect to other systems and asks me to go to hell (contact network administrator). There are times when it makes the electronics engineer in me wants to rip its circuitry apart, capacitor for capacitor, till the silicon in its diodes hurts. Of course the fact that the IS team will render me penniless (paisa less in the Indian context) if I do that, keeps me in check.

My comp at home also used to conspire against me and keep disconnecting me from the net whenever I’m chatting with a girl after ten in the night or shutting down on its own when I’m playing games before my exams. I strongly suspected my mom’s hand in this and wondered how she could have done that for a long time till I met my office comp. Now I kind of resigned to the fact that Its just my luck. And I’m gonna put up with its every mood swing in the hope this experience will help me someday in the near future. And yes for all those who sympathized with the computer (yes, I mean you two), ya I will try to understand its perspective and will love it not despite its flaws but along with its flaws. (from a forward that made as much sense as Raj Thackrey’s ideology)

These are afterall the terms and conditions of the long association of endearment. So while I learn to try to be more understanding and keep my psycho-cyber tendencies under check, for all those people who believe in winged fat kids shooting arrows here’s a quote to mull over.

“The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast. The hen was involved and the pig was committed” – Anonymous

Happy Valentines Day!

Just another post

I’ve been hearing a lot of “You know sometimes I feel I can happily murder you?” lately. I can right now imagine the reactions of 5 different people who when they read would give a jump and go like “Don’t tell me, he’s written about THAT here!!”

No I’m not taking any credit for bringing the psycho social tendencies cos what followed that statement was either smileys or grins that usually conveyed the fact that they were actually happy about “THAT”.[:D] In other words they were just kidding. Now I know at least 5 other people who would go like “Damn!” and give out a shake of their head and later reiterate the fact that I’m jobless.

The conclusion one might draw from the above passage other than the obvious that some wish I were imaginary is that I have confidence in the fact that I know the people around me. One of my orkut testimonials read “He thinks he’s figured the human race” (followed by heavy sarcasm that I choose to omit). Well I don’t think that high but I’m of the opinion everyone’s an open book if you know to read between the lines. That would kind of explain my let-me-tell-you-about-you sessions after 4-5 meetings (if you haven’t got one that means I have an opinion on how you will react). Of course the “You are right” or the “Mostly right” I receive at the end of such sessions doesn’t do much to discourage me from this bad habit.

I choose to call it a bad habit cos it doesn’t do me much of good. I end up assuming most stuff, that I’m sure is right, but never take the necessary steps to be surprised. Very similar to people who play the entire game of chess verbally before making a simple move and end up frustrating the entire lot. Thankfully in my case I don’t put it verbally too often. Of course I have been wrong and am sure will be in most cases, but there’s nothing to learn here cause as Michael Crichton says “Even an educated guess is just a guess”

But still I was surprised last weekend when I got in contact with one of my friends. She was telling me how wretched her life has become by stating as reasons incidents and characters that you meet in almost everyday life! So I thought I should tell her she is not facing any problem and its common place so she might feel better. I did so and got it back nicely on how rude I was and she wasn’t looking to be comforted. What stunned me most was when she said “You are not like what you were before”.

Which made me wonder, what was I before! Being a “party focal” for my team, which includes arranging birthday parties and making others pay for treats for some arbit reason, talking is something I have to do to avoid a party where everyone is all aloof and eat and go. Most of the times I find I’m the only one talking , cracking the most pathetic PJs/wit as one sees it and make the birthday baby state what was mentioned in the first para of this blog. So when I said, “In my college days, some people thought I was a really silent person” they said the only two positive words that can be a negative – “Ya right!”.

Incidentally, it is true. You can ask one of my juniors who said the same about me in public (and regretted it the next 2 years cursing and swearing the day she said I was silent and ‘paavam’ type). So looking back I guess somewhere down the line I had become silent or given people the impression. Where I had limited my retorts to a select set of people who kind of knew who I was. Where I was there to understand problems even without expressing and put people at ease.

But like the Canara bank makeover tag says ‘We change for the ones we love' and in my case the next line that comes to my mind is from HHGTG “If there’s anything more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot now!” :)

I kind of realized so far down that the starting and ending of this blog doesn’t have much relevance. But what the hell. To conclude the first topic, it doesn’t matter if I’m wrong, I still will go about being the same. And for the second topic, as I always believe everything happens for a reason.

Will post something that makes more sense soon.